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Her legs wrapped around my neck..

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[16 Jan 2005|10:17pm]
[ mood | sick ]

i wanted to post something, but im not sure what I should post.

alright, i'll finish putting my clothes away.

4 comments|post comment

fuck me in the rain [08 Jan 2005|11:53am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

rain is fun!

i'm going to get wet right now...

ahaha. that sounded wrong

but yeah... *wicked smile*

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come with meee [16 Dec 2004|04:32pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I'm cold..

and,

I'm confused about a lot of things, but trying to make them right.

x

I thought of this last night. [15 Dec 2004|04:43pm]
[ mood | miss her ]

It's midnight & I'm barely going home..

Liz tells me bye, and I can't help but think of you when I see the lights.

The tacky Christmas lights.

My Christmas is going to suck without you.

I want to buy you something.

I have, but...I don't know.

Nothing satisfies me.

I always thought that if we weren't together, I couldn't be your friend.

I was wrong. And I cried last night.

I cry every night.

My heart feels so...like nothing I've ever felt before.

I miss you Jessica.

So much. And I hope she makes you happy.

Something I obviously couldn't do, since you left...

I asked God to please not let you leave my life.

That nothing matters..only you.

I'll stop because I'm going to cry if I keep thinking about it.

And crying is my job at night.

But...do you think he listened to me?

I hope so.

<43
Melissa

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Happy Birthday My Lizard King.. [08 Dec 2004|05:33pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Let's all listen to the doors today.

Jim Morrison would've been 61!


Oh, I love him soo much.

You know, I sound crazy, but I hear his voice sometimes..

<3

6 comments|post comment

heh. [07 Dec 2004|07:07am]
[ mood | amused ]

For some reason, I woke up and thought back to the time when my best friend's boyfriend wrote her a "love poem" and..she gave me the poem and told me to just read it.

So I did...

I put the paper down looked at her serious pretty face & we both started laughing our asses off! Not that he was being corny, infact, we were expecting corniness (is that a word?..oh well!)but he was rambling on and on about the path of a man. And how it's hard, but he'll do it...

And the best line of this "love poem" was:

Guns don't kill people, people kill people!!

(And I laughed even harder because he tried to pass it off as his own!)

I like him a lot, he trips me out, but still...and the best part of this story was that he asked if she liked it, and she said she loved it.

I don't know, I guess you have had to read it. Oh man...

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No one loves you. [19 Nov 2004|03:57pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Dear Journal, (sounds so lame, but ehh)

I'm soo sorry I have neglected you.
I don't have a computer anymore.
Hopefully that'll change soon.
*cross your fingers for me*
I miss reading entries though.
Everyone has something going on in their life.
And everything is interesting...

Not that I've gotten interesting since I've been gone, but I'll inform ya'll in what I've been up to:

I'm going to school now. (Community College)
I don't like it.
Maybe the only reason I don't like school is because I'm constantly worried about the time. My life wasn't like that before...*sigh*

There's this real hot girl in my English class & she asked for my number. That's so shocking, because...it just is. I hope she calls? I should've asked for her number too, but..I panicked & the love of my life Jessica was right there making faces and telling me to hurry.

Yeah, I still love Jessica..

-smack me, I allow you.

1 comment|post comment

It's been a LONGGGG time. [16 Nov 2004|12:27pm]
[ mood | errrrrrrrr! ]

you know, life sucks sometimes.


I'm going to school now.

yay?

9 comments|post comment

[27 Jul 2004|04:09pm]
[ mood | bored ]

i want to go away.

& forget everything.

I want to know about the blues...maybe then when i hear their painful voices...it could mend my agony.

I'm not even depressed. I'm just...not so happy & I cry whenever I think about how unhappy I am for no particular reason. I start thinking that I have no fucking reason to feel sorry for myself, and that makes me more sad. But whose to say my feelings aren't important?

but im "okay"

honest.

12 comments|post comment

it's silly, but yes.. [25 Jul 2004|10:37pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

i can't put deodorant (sp?) on while people watch.


*edit*

this was meant to be put on in a community (cold_pizza) but i might as well share it with ya'll too...=/

5 comments|post comment

i'll miss you. [20 Jul 2004|12:55am]
[ mood | sad ]

I almost cried and now I'm just so...I dunno.
I'm going to fucking miss you.
It was super nice seeing you for a while tonight.

Hey, now that I think about it...this was the first time I snuck out of my house! Ohh..I'm dangerous. heheh.

Seriously though, I fucking love you man.
& I can't believe you're leaving.
I really can't.

I'm just making myself all miserable thinking back to how we met. Of course, it was me who started the friendship. you thought I was crazy or something because I would talk to you and you'd just nod your heard and say, "yeahhh" hehehe. Oh boy...I'll miss you! :(

but this isn't forever, so yeah.
I just wanted you to know that I love ya.
I really do, and I'll always remember that one night where we got too wasted & spent the whole time laying in bed talking about our futures and how you told me I could be a writer and stupid Ernie got involved! lol. Remember? I hope so because I'll always remember...and Chente will always make me think of you.

Take care buddy.
See you soon!!

Fuckin' A!

-Smelissa

don't ever touch me, asshole. [07 Jul 2004|02:14pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

im alive.

& i've never felt more dead

</3

5 comments|post comment

i love you baby, but can you please die for now? [26 Jun 2004|01:43pm]
The night is my lover & I plan on making love to her tonight.

<3

[26 Jun 2004|01:22pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I think I know why I'm so bummed out these days..

My house looks totally different.

They've remodeled my whole house. Everything is new. Everyone is so excited, except me...whatever. I just want it to be done already because I'm seriously not comfortable with the workers walking in and out of my house and not even bothering to say 'good morning' or some fake crap like that.

I'm truly unhappy these days because I'm stuck at home all day. I'm forbidden to leave the house while the workers are there because they don't want the workers to be left alone in the house. As if we have something valuable for them to steal. Oh, my dvds? So what. Maybe I'd freak if they stole Ghost World. It's become my bedtime story.

If they stole my books, I'd kill them.

I feel like all my friends are fading.
And maybe like I'm slowly fading too..

Perhaps that's why whenever a stranger says hello to me, I feel so good inside. Because I feel that maybe I'm not so bad and I'm not so invisible. At least someone noticed my existence. You know?

She's affected me so much.
In a bad way more than good.
I don't know...I just don't know.

Every time I'm saying goodbye,
She comes back.
Being sweet as hell...
telling me such gorgeous lies
that I sadly believe for the sake of my own heart.
Maybe she's not so bad since she tells me things
I yearn to hear when my world is falling apart.
I unfortunately still love her.
At least I think I do.

don't tell me to cheer up or else I think I'll lose it.

7 comments|post comment

you're disgusting. [24 Jun 2004|05:15pm]
[ mood | i need to pee!! ]

Sorry for not updating.

(though I know no one reads this..)

Just...been busy.

No, that's a lie.

My internet/computer is stupid & I always get mad that I'd rather not even try.

I'm super excited about the new Cure cd coming out!!!

I'm saving money. Or probably i'll just suck dick for it? ahahah. jk jk.

I'm so depressed these days. it's not cool. :(

5 comments|post comment

so here's the truth [15 Jun 2004|06:08pm]
[ mood | i love to read ]

I adore little kids who love to read.
Who fall asleep reading.
Too bad I wasn't one of them.
There's a certain picture of me though
where I'm smiling so big because I had a big
red book in my hands. I remember this.
I hardly remember anything that happens,
but this..I remember so vividly.

Some old man came to take my picture,
& he must've been some awful looking man
because I wouldn't stop crying!
The minute he walked in, I started bawling.
(reminds me of my life now..I cry for everything)
I'm not kidding about this either because in all the
pictures, I was crying.

Anyway.

My Mother gave me some sort of Bible book. I was mesmerized by all the pretty colors (I'm guessing it was like the Garden of Eden) and started making up stories in my head. I stood there for hours...smiling & forgot all about the scary-looking man.

I think that's why whenever I'm depressed, I just read. So much. More that I usually would. I don't want to socialize with anyone. I get lost in their world. Why not make it my world too?

I absolutely LOVE to read.
I go insane if someone ruins a book.
I'm saddened when a book is neglected.
I hate people who judge books by their covers.
I love the way my librarian smiles at me because I feel we have a special connection..lol.

I secretly envy Belle from Beauty & the Beast because he gave her that beautiful library. (i DO know it's only a movie, but still..) I'd love them forever for such a great gift.

I'm reading I Never Promised You a Rose Garden & I actually like it.

I'd love anyone who gave me a book. <3

So give me a recommendation.

10 comments|post comment

why don't you shine anymore? [15 Jun 2004|05:22pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

you're supposed to help brake my fall..not push me in deeper.

5 comments|post comment

Don't laugh at me... [30 May 2004|02:15pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

I had such a strange dream...It's very blurry, but I do remember that I was crying through the whole dream. It makes me sad. I mean, I was CRYING when someone would look at me, when they'd mention my depression, when they'd ask me a simple question about the plants...

The gardener (this weird old man that creeps me out) was even in my dream! He came very drunk to my front door & just as he said "Good Night..." I busted out crying & he did nothing, but stand there & when I finally got a grip of myself, I told him, "Okay Thank you..." And went back inside my house to get the phone and cry some more.

Another crying scene was with my two best friends...We went to some pharmacy & Lupe told the lady that I was depressed & wanted to dye my hair. When the Lady looked at me, I cried so bad...I even got on my knees and bawled. Lupe then said, "Why are you crying? I just said you wanted to dye your hair.." My reply:

"I don't want anyone to look at me...I'm not worth shit"

That is like: Sad.

I don't know. Maybe I'm depressed? I know that the dream is really stupid, but thinking about it makes me want to cry...Gee, I'm such a crybaby. Heh.

I still feel this empty feeling inside though. ='(

6 comments|post comment

i think im too sensitive. [28 May 2004|12:13pm]
[ mood | give me a nice blanket!! ]

I almost cried today at the DMV when I saw this really old man trying to walk. It seemed like he was in pain. I just wanted to cry...I still do when I think about his face getting red from how hard it was just to take one step. He kept smiling as he was holding on to the rope thingy.

I don't ever wanna get that old. =/

2 comments|post comment

you loved me once. [25 May 2004|02:27pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I can't stand myself sometimes.

This person I've become isn't me...

I wait for your call without even realizing I'm doing so.

I fucking hate you sometimes.

I love you most of the time though.

I wonder if I've made mistakes by not getting with her.

You know who i'm talking about.

But it's okay because I don't want to live a lie.

It would be a hideous lie if I were to say she makes me feel anything.

Her voice, everything about her is a reminder that I'll never love like this again.

Yes, brag about it.

Be proud that you've killed me time after time.

Be proud that I've cried everywhere because of you.

Did you know that:

I think about hurting myself just to hurt you

because you loved me once.

And I still love you so much.

I think about it all & wanna curl up and cry.

I feel so foolish.

How could i be so stupid?

So fucking stupid.

FUCK YOU!

I hate you.

I really really love you.

kisssssss me.

I sound crazy.

& that I am...

Crazy for you!

I'll kill a bitch if they fuck with you.

9 comments|post comment

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